The Garden Club London

Since I am broke and unemployed I’ve had to bite the bullet and start applying to any job no matter how overqualified I may be.  In such a futile job market it seems that everyone has the same idea and is scrambling for these  inane, degrading (insert negative adjective of choice) or pointless jobs which in a perfect world would have  been ready made for the high school or college drop outs.  In the days of yore (ahem: before Bush royally f**ed our economy) to have a competitive resume meant building yourself up to sound slightly less amazing than the Dalai Lamai himself but now it seems the less educated and the less ambitious you are the more likely you are to have an income again, um , ever.  This I why I have written below the educated, skilled and ambitous persons guide for getting a recession style job.

Step 1:

Worked your butt off for that postgraduate degree? Well its got to go!  Having a masters degree screams:  “I spent time, money and energy to get this degree and there is no way in hell I am going to do menial monkey work for pittance!  I deserve a high salary.”  Remember people, recession= companies barely scraping by= only hire people who will work their butts off for practically nothing and expect nothing in the future.

Step 2:

Are you proud of that promotion you got at your last job after you initiated project abc, got the entire community on board and revolutionized the inner workings of your department?  Well, best to leave that off this CV.  Instead of emphasizing how quickly you moved up the corporate ladder you would fare better by bulking up the duties and tasks as well as how well you juggled them because most companies now want to get 3 for the price of 1 when it comes to your job responsibilities. Sell yourself as a hard worker who is happy with the status quo and you are golden (or at least you might get an interview).

Step 3:

Lastly, if you are as desperate as me for that thrill that comes with a pay day you may be considering going back to your pre-degree employment options which most likely included standing around all day providing some service or good to obnoxious  people who think they are better than you.  If so, scrap your existing CV all together and create a customer service/people skills laden picture of who you once were and can be again.  No need for honour societies, computer skills or that fancy internship at the UN because when you reach this point all that matters is that you can smile and say “would you like fries with that?”

I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
Winston Churchill –